I am more than blessed today, if there’s a thing defined more than blessed.

I was literally mopping like a heartbroken lil lady last week.

With all the things my heart desires, and have been clouded by ups and downs, anxieties and uncertainties, possibilities and impossibilities, it’s so true when something you want to do for God’s glory and ended up kinda “not now”, you felt sad. But hey, God is in control and that’s it. No hard feelings.

I might perhaps perceived too much, a girl’s overinstinct, but I knew right then which part I took wrong and which part I lack.

I was reminded on and on, like constantly every day, every moment when I was on the verge of giving up, last week. It was literally hellweek. What can I say. God has been insistent, consistent and faithful to His promises. God is insistent, consistent and faithful to us. To you. To me. For the all things I have done, He was there. And for the moment I feel like giving up, He’s there. He never gave up on me. HE never did. In fact He was so faithful that thinking about it hurts me a lot. How could I not to express faith in all of the things I do, say and think? How could I not so sensitive about His Sovereignty and Dominion of all the things I walk on to, of all the things this mind have ever known? My life would be so meaningless, and cannot be even defined as LIFE without His majestic love and power.

This is amazing. This is more than stretching of faith. God has made it this time again. Putting that mark in my life’s history of His power and sovereignty. You, God never fail to amaze me every season, ever day, and for the rest of my days.

Nothing will be impossible for you.

Matt. 17:20


****
I cannot wait to see Him, face to face. I would rather wait for the longest time and be so really sure that i'll be seeing Him, than to enjoy forever without an assured face to face moment.

****

My spirit seeks Him deeper every single day. That feeling that you feel so desperate in encountering His goodness, power and dominion.

Early this morning, I realized that, everyone of us, we chase Jesus on water, everyday. Yes, everyday. And the feeling of Him talking every single moment of your day seemed

glorious. Beyond words, beyond the greatest emotion that a human being has ever felt.

In spirit. And in truth.


:)

As I write this entry my dad wouldn't let me have the peace and kept on asking me favors and errands till he went to his slumber. 

Talk about asking favors from the youngest daughter.

****

I was scanning through my albums when I saw your face. I ended up seeing through pictures of us, and looking at your face seemed surreal. Beyond surprise, and beyond any reaction that I could happen to demonstrate, I was asking myself who you were and what part of my life you made me happy. 

I am not being rude, nor unfavorable with the last statement I said, but I was surprised that I cannot recognize you

Anymore.


I cannot fully remember you, who you are and who you were in my life. I was asking myself, "sino tong taong to? SIno tong  katabi ko? Sino ka..?" I was literally staring at your face and all I ever got was a complete puzzlement. I might perhaps sound too much, but I am not kidding you, this was my reaction. I felt like I really didn't and don't know you at all.

And as much I soak myself looking at your pictures, and figuring out how I ended up loving you, I was still asking myself, "who is this man."

Perhaps even the love, the love I thought was real and everlasting and bound to felt only for you 

was GONE. 

And I couldn't imagine or trace back even just a hint of that feeling.

Anymore.


Now the question is:


Would the love go back when I see you? Or my heart would be staying shut out for for you?

I was on the verge of giving up.

When I realized I've gone quite a lil bit far, and went all complacent and forgot what it feels like to sleep and put all the hopes on His shoulder and let Him do all the dirty [in your perspective] work.

****

I was literally on my down side when i reminded myself that I used to encourage and say things that sounded and seemed so small--seeing things from God's perspective. I was asking myself why couldn't I remind these to myself as well. But then again, Ptr Nuel reminded me that everything that is happening, God is in control. Simple words, that need no reminding, but I was in awe of this simple yet so refreshing message. So simple, that I ended up questioning myself why I didn't think of that way so long ago. Perhaps, like what he said, everything was so clouded that your faith seem to go smaller because the situation is becoming the focus of your direction. I knew my heart has hoped for everything, GRACE, enough grace to get every thing through. I just probably needed a big heavy tap on the back and be reminded that, Me, too, can get through. 

Oh well. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 :)

****

Brooke Fraser's so annointed! I love her tracks :]

i just didn't like PRIDE. Not at all. I would seriously rebuke anyone. Seriously.

Yes, I am a girl, tend to be emotional and all that you can think of, of being weak. But that's not the point. We have our own roles and the role of encouraging each other, not defying [each other] is something so general that we all do most of the time.  As 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says, Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

And being a girl isn't an exception for this, not just because i'm a girl. 

Let me remind you that most of the victorious stories in the Bible, behind of these is a heroine. Heroine. feminine form. Esther. Ruth. Sarah. Few of these just represents the biblical essence of being a Godly woman. So let me tell you, never underestimate a girl because of her gender, or faith. You'll never know she might help you dealing you to change your ways. God knows.

*****

A friend reminded me that guilt is manifested in being shy and reserve. 

****

With all the fair that has been released
And hopes were replaced, uncertainties on the other side
hearts were waiting seemed too weary to recuperate
Standing across the room
Marked the sadness, witnessed like it all happened before.

Standing across the room, eyes all down and waiting for God's grace
A person not far from the aisle I walked and stood by
Asking for truth and all I heard was whisper
Reiterating with all beyond understanding I could ever spare
He was asking for the truth and truth he accepted.

I gone to and fro, understanding what lies behind every word written from afar
So far that affirmation is all I could do, 
For truth really strikes a heart,
deeper and stronger as far as my hopes are
I never thought you'll stay as where you found me.

Walked my way to catch a friendly welcome
You sat and stood forward to hand me the truth,
I thought you were a friend I had so long ago
Long ago that I sent few words above 
The standard, no one ever matched.

The truth were far more than a book, there a note left 
peeking it's way for the lady to notice
And while all the thoughts were running like mice and cats
Did the honorable thing with confused look upon this face
The note I thought was left without a reason.

I thought it was nothing to be compared to usual visavis
I was running to and fro to catch a friend from afar
Left alone sitting with all the blue chairs surrounded me like sea
Across the room I saw these eyes from 15 minutes ago
Yet seem to falter for I have been too bashful to leave an eye for truth

I was hoping it would end in an instant

the thought of avoiding your glimpse is way to exit

I saw you exchanged words with an Oracle

I found that decency is a virtue with all I have ever heard

the point, the heart to seek the truth

That moment that made these eyes stay for a second.

I was curious to see what happened

I was confused with all that I witnessed

The truth, your voice seeking for truth, knowing who you are

Once i thought was a dream

Could it be just a glimpse of reality?

Humility.

I got home really early today. And the moment I dropped my bag on my bed and slammed all the way, and lay down on my stomach and feel the summer heat calm down on me and sleep seemed to me like 2008 have returned and the feeling of a student all trapped in a Filipino subject in a summer class felt like I just missed summer so much. That sunkissed cheeks and the hot breeze of summer air. 

I missed going to school. In fact I miss schooling. I miss meeting new classmates. I miss learning. I miss meeting new teachers with different perspective about life and faith. The only thing that makes my life more interesting everyday is finding myself learning new things--let me live one day without it, goodness, i'd rather sleep than live the life without getting to know what to learn. 

Perhaps, call me crazy, but when I was on my way to the dressmaker, I was actually conversing with God about what I'll do and what I should do. It was a simple knock-ask-listen-think kinda conversation. You can say it was probably because of the heat, and while I was there walking under the heat of the sun all along the long avenue of San Miguel Ave. Yes, it was scorching hot, I tell you. I felt like I was Elijah journeying his way out of the desert while ravens was sent out for food. Well, my situation was sans the raven and all. Might as well say, C2, for that matter. But all things must start with that and end with victory. The victory was: GOING HOME EARLY AND DO THAT drop-the-bag-jump-to-the-bed-and-sleep-like-theres-no-tomorrow. Oh yeah. I missed that like heck alot.

And so I was been reminded that all He have promised, will be done into completion. For He is more than able. He's more than what we think He is. He is more than just our provider. Not just our usual 911 and leave after getting the help we've asked. Not that.


Deliverer.

Restorer.


Savior.


Lover of my Soul.


:D

Even if I could play this with guitar, and could cifra it in 30mins like my other friends who seemed like all they do is cifra-ing every song they ever know in their entire existence, I just couldn't. I am not just exposed with all the guitar hero thing, so I'll probably forget about what I'm thinking right now and end it with a final note. :)

***
Action speaks stronger and even than words.

****
If you could just let me say it. I would say it. I would. I really would.

My eyes were screaming and still pleading for mercy. Yes I am writing without my eyeglasses--again. Born stubborn, I know I'll regret not following my instincts and find myself heading to the nearest (not to mention, expensive) optical shop and have my eyes checked again. But hey, better write this down before my words leave me and leave me no choice. Mop.

I was on my way to sleep when I was reminded to be treated best, and not less. NOT LESS than what I've been treated before. I am not saying I was treated awfully, that is not my part to decide, but I was reminded of few things I should not do anymore. It's COMPROMISING.

And truth to be told, I am having that kind of "mustard seed" kind of feeling at this very hour. God might be testing me on this, but I tell you honestly, it hurts and it is so, SO SO hard and difficult.

One thing I really admire what God has revealed to me about myself the whole year 2011, is that, He let me love that kind of attitude of working hard, not just for myself or for my family, but because of the TRUTH that I have talents and the abilities to do whatever that comes to glorify Him and this, never failed to remind me that this is reason to believe that everything comes from Him and I do not OWN anything. 

And this, my career, to be honest, is one my faith goals I've been constantly praying this week. And honestly, I can say God truly works in, even the world, couldn't even know, decipher and imagine. Yes, THIS HURTS. And hurts, I say that, with a crushing, demeaned heart. 

I work in a corporate setting kind of business, where I get to talk, share transactions with seriously different kinds of people, different age groups-- now you get the picture. Most of their ages range from late 30s to 60s. Pretty much titos and titas. Not to mention almost Lolo's and Lola's CEOs and VPs (hey, these people from the upper ladder aren't that bad, actually, they are much NICER. Or maybe it's just me who really has the soft heart for old people enough. :]  ) And the relationship with the my superior isn't that--friendly.

Yeah, the normal, complain here and complain there, why-didn't-you-check-on-this kind of rant you'll hear from your boss excruciatingly almost everyday. 

And I asked myself, why am I working so hard to please this person? I never fail to do that extra mile to my work and yet I just feel so unappreciated because I always get that "you did nothing, your work means nothing" kind of words all bashed on you, almost everyday? And yes, not to mention, being scolded in front of your other colleagues from different departments. So, it was like almost hell on earth. Only with bits of chunks of cherries on top.
 
And one thing that surprised me though this day was something I frequently hear from my boss, but earlier, it felt like an open invitation, an opportunity (i'll take that as it). I never actually entertained the thought eventhough I hear it frequently last year, but now, it felt--heavy and inviting. 

I prayed harder about this yesterday. And I couldn't just believe this is where and how it is all going to start. i was like, "God, bakit naman ang sakit. Akala ko naman mild lang. Harsh pala. Harsher this time. *almost laughing the irony off*" 

My 5th was actually moving and desperate. And I am not going to be all shocked, surprised and "OH MY GAAAAH!" if this is probably the reason why my one of my prayers is being answered like this fast and this. 

"I am surrendering everything to you. Everything. All of my life/faith goals will all be aligned to yours. Mine means nothing. For this consecration is for You. I am not after the breakthroughs. I am after with ALL YOUR WILL AND PLANS for me. You are the Lord of All. And All that is within me, my hopes and desires will be according to Yours."

I might be saying BOOM for this. 

And just so, I have to be MORE prepared.



God, it hurts.



So help me.